I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
