Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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