Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
