if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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