I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
