I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dignity is for republicans.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
