I think I died a long time ago.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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