I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
