i think i have two assholes
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
