It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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