last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
NoShamevember. You game?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
