last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
