Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
