My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
