Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
