Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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