you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
