i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
