You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
