I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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