I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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