We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
