Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think my mom watched the whole time
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
