This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
