I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
