It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I had to cum in my sink.
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