just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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