he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
