So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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