You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
