just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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