he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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