im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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