I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
