Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
