I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
