What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
