I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
