I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
