I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
