Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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