i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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