Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i've created a new STD.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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