My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
