My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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