I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you traded sex for a burrito?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
