At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
