While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
