Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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