Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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